I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
