I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
