A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
