I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
