I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
