i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
