Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
