I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
