My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
