I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
