i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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