If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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