I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
