On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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