i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
