Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
