Dude my mom stole all your condoms
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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