mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
This is my gift to your gina
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
