Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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