her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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