Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Randomize
