Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
