we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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