It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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