Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
