Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
