If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
