why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
We're too hungover to prance.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
