haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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