Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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