Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
