Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
