Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
