Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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