He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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