She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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