if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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