But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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