Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
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I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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