I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
