when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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