I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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