This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
