what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
