apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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