You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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