Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
