Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Randomize
