I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
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Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
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I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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