That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
