I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
