So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
