Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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