Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
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All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
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If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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